This is absolutely the most personal post I’ve ever written here on Real Housemoms. I’m not a person to open up easy. I’ve been blogging for nearly two years. I really love my audience and have been blessed to get to know some amazing women through my experiences. I am so lucky to have some seriously amazing followers on Facebook. They have really responded to my recipes with kindness. They’ve shared them with their friends and family, liked them and even left comments with their approval. Being a blogger and having a larger online presence, I know that I’m a larger target for internet trolling and I’ve absolutely had my fair share. I’ve learned from my amazing husband to see it, not as a personal attack, but as the silliness that it is. I once had someone upset because they felt that one of my recipes was offensive to Leprechauns. 🙂
Recently, I shared my recipe for Green Goddess Dip on Facebook. As is my routine, I was looking at the comments people were leaving when I came across these two comments, and realized I was being fat shamed. One of the comments actually said “that’s why you’re fat.”
I was in disbelief that a grown adult would say this to anyone, let alone a complete stranger, so I looked at his profile on Facebook and it looks like he is in fact an adult, in age if nothing else. My first inclination was to delete his comment because I felt embarrassed. Then I remembered a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt I heard somewhere growing up, and it’s always stuck with me. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I’ve always thought about this when someone has said or done something to me that hurt my feelings. To me, it means that no one can hurt me unless I give them the power to do so. I have to hold my actions up to my own scrutiny, not anyone else’s, especially not a stranger’s. This post is me taking back the power this stranger tried to take from me, to compensate for his own insecurities.
There are a lot of articles and blog posts online now about negative body image and the role that media and society plays in that. There’s the #nomakeupselfie campaign, those deciding to take a stand against Photoshop, and still others putting an end to “fat talk.” All are geared to get people to start loving who they are and put an emphasis on real beauty. I’m so excited to live in a time when so many positive messages are coming out.
I have absolutely been guilty of “fat talk” I would say I’m too fat for this or that, or tell myself every time I looked in the mirror I was fat. What did this accomplish? It made me unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. It didn’t motivate me to lose weight or get healthy, it just made me sad.
So I stopped, and I feel so happy now. I started thinking about how I look at other people, and I realized that I was so much nicer to other people than I was to myself. I don’t judge my friends based on their weight or how they look in their clothes. I’m more concerned with how amazing they are, how they treat other people, whether they’re positive or negative. Some of the best people I know are overweight but everyone of them is beautiful and amazing and talented! They have kind hearts, treat people with love and understanding and have been there for their friends, family and strangers. I decided to only judge myself the same way.
When I look in a mirror at myself, literally or figuratively, I know that I’m a great wife and mother, not because I’m perfect, but because I work hard to get better everyday. I’m a strong person and I work hard to make sure that I’m a good example of what it means to be a strong woman for my two little boys. The fact is that my boys are going to grow up and find girls that remind them of me. I want to make sure that those girls are people that will treat them well and be a good partner and friend for them. I also want them to grow up knowing that the true value and beauty of a woman isn’t in the gap between her thighs, the size of her waist or the flatness of her stomach. The true beauty is in the way that she cares for others and herself. It’s found in her uniqueness and in her ability to enjoy life, to find the happiness and love all around her and to be a source of kindness for those in her life, while knowing her own worth.
This post is me taking back my power. It’s mine, I worked hard to find it and I’m not letting anyone take it away from me. I’m so much more than my waist size and I’m proud of who I am and I love myself just the way I am. I’m a #GIRLBOSS and that’s all there is to it. 🙂
This is a great song and video from Colbie Callait. It is just another example of the positive message being shared now. I found it for the first time as I wrote this post and just HAD to include it. 🙂
Terri says
Thank you for such a powerful, beautiful post. You are awesome. 🙂
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Terri! 🙂
Kelley says
Please dont ever forget that you are beautiful and crazy smart!! So many Moms forget how smart and beautiful they really are! Sometimes all it takes is a REAL compliment from a peer that can make a real difference….
Xoxox forever….
Kelley
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Kelley! It’s so easy to forget so much when we become a mom. We forget to make time for us and our relationships and sleep….. 🙂 I’m working on being the #GIRLBOSS I can be proud of and I think that’s all that matters. 🙂
Dorothy @ Crazy for Crust says
I love this post. I love that you shared your experience and how you handles it. And I love that quote! It takes a lot to open up like this and I applaud your for it. Thank you for sharing! Also, mean commenters suck. 🙂
Kelley Wilson says
Aubrey so funny I read this post today I do enough if my own fat shaming toward myself and just today I was looking at pics and getting bummed thanks for this we are all real women and need to be happy that way. Besides food is good and we should enjoy it haha
Aubrey Cota says
Kelley you’re beautiful and so talented! I’m looking forward to working with you and I’m glad you found the post. 🙂
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Dorothy!!! 🙂
Rebecca says
So proud of you cousin! Love reading your blog. You are amazing.
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Rebecca! So are you! <3
Elizabeth Marek says
I love your blog and your posts and I’m glad you did not let that troll get to you! People are shallow and want to stir the pot. Good for you in turning a crappy comment into an uplifting message. Keep up the hard work and pass the full-fat mayo 😉
Aubrey Cota says
LOL! Thanks Elizabeth!
Jennifer C says
Thank you for reminding me that I will teach my son that a woman is more than the number on the scale. I have struggled all my life with my weight and I need to remember that I am a good person no matter what that blasted scales says. It is sad that with all of the tolerance we teach today, what someone weighs is not included. Thank you again for having the courage and helping me find a little of my own.
Aubrey Cota says
I’m so glad Jennifer that the post was helpful! I think that all woman feel this way. I had a friend who had no fat on her body and was the tallest woman but felt like she was fat and would restrict herself during the week to make up for weekends. No matter what we all get down on ourselves but we can change that once we become aware of it. 🙂
Lisa @ Wine & Glue says
You are so awesome Aubrey. I LOVE this post. I’m in awe of your ability to see that negative comment exactly for what it is. Thank you for setting such a great example as a blogger and as a woman. And these photos of you are absolutely stunning.
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Lisa!! That really was so sweet. 🙂 Casey grabbed those when I either didn’t know he was taking them or I thought he was just messing around. I’m still working on being comfortable having my picture taken.
Elizabeth says
Hi, Aubrey! What a wonderful post. It’s been a privilege to be your friend and neighbor for a year now. I love being around you and sharing your blog with my friends and family. You are an inspiration of awesomeness and positive beauty–and a great sense of humor!!! 🙂 Thank you for sharing this post, and I agree with everything you say!!!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Elizabeth! I feel so lucky to have found a house by you and your family. I’m so glad that my kids have you as an example when they’re not here at home. 🙂
Christina @ It's a Keeper says
Thank you for having the courage to write this post. It is inspiring, uplifting and well-said! I’ve found that those that feel the need to be negative like that are insecure in their own skin. Keep being you and giving us great recipes!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Christina! 🙂
Marla Waldron says
Thank you for sharing, it helps hearing someone feel and see themselves the same way I do, and be the beeter you for how you handled the critisisum. Personally I look at your pic and dont see what your talking about anyway, Wich means we have curves!!!!! Keep Smiling, keep those recipies coming….. Thank you agian 🙂
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Marla!!! <3
Melissa Zarn says
I really enjoyed reading this post because it was thoughtful and well written and very “you”. You are an amazing woman who I am thankful to know and have in my life. It drives me crazy that stuff like this is necessary. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to lash out at others over really small, superficial things. There are so many times I have to fight my own negative self-talk. I absolutely refuse to let anyone’s comments about my appearance make an impact on me anymore. Still working on the negative comments about other topics though :). Keep being amazing and enjoy your journey!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Melissa! I’m so glad that I have you in MY life. You are truly one of the most positive people I know! Thanks for setting a great example for me. 🙂
That's why you're fat says
Um, I came here for the food
Aubrey Cota says
Then you landed on the wrong page.
Liz says
Aubrey you are amazing! So sorry that some negative person that feels so badly about them self posted on your post. I wish I had a magic wand to make them feel better about themself but they are on their own journey in life. One day I hope they will learn that being positive and not cutting someone down but lifting them up takes their own self higher and happier. You are what you reap. Be positive and kind or be negative and lonely. We have choices in life. I’m so proud that you always find the silver lining! I love you, Mom
Liz says
Silly then go back to the top of the web site page and look at all of the wonderful food my daughter posts. If you go to the top of the page you should be able to follow the links to the recipes. Let me know if you need more help!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Mom. 🙂
Liz says
Your welcome dear!
Liz says
Oh and by the way you are not fat. That person that wrote that doesn’t know what they are talking about. What a sad person they must be. I hope they feel better about themself soon. It so sad. Good night love you ,mom
Claire @ A Little Claireification says
Thank you for sharing from your heart, on this girl. I am 44 today. I think I “fat shame” myself more than anyone else but this really sums it up:
“I know that I’m a great wife and mother, not because I’m perfect, but because I work hard to get better everyday. I’m a strong person and I work hard to make sure that I’m a good example of what it means to be a strong woman for my two little boys.”
Love. That. You are beautiful and amazing. xoxo
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Claire and Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope this is the best year ever for you! 🙂
Becca from It's Yummi! says
Aubrey, thank you for having the courage to speak publicly about this, and more than that, having the courage to love every inch of yourself, even when there are negative forces shaming you for it.
I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire life, and even gastric bypass surgery couldn’t make me feel better, because there’s always someone who’s thinner, or someone who says I’m still fat. I need to take your advice and shut out the noise. <3
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Becca! That’s just it, no matter what size we are there is always someone smaller, taller, tanner or whatever than us. I just want to make sure that I’m the best person I can be. 🙂
Lucy says
When I see your picture I honestly don’t think you are fat. We live in America… You are so not fat! You are not skinny, but I wouldn’t think that you aren’t super healthy, because I do read your recipes and I see that they are healthy, I see all the posts about veggies and healthy snacks and lunchboxes…. So, if a woman is sharing healthy recipes and trying to make it easy for the rest of us to eat healthy and incorporate more veggies in the family meals, how does it matter if she isn’t skinny? I think that if your picture showed a supermodel body it would be less relevant to normal people. We are tired of reading empty articles on how to do intense diets and on how super models exercise and eat… We’ve had it. Enough of that. I want to see my neighbor sharing healthy recipes with me. And that is you. I see your picture and I see a beautiful woman, with smily eyes, with healthy skin, who shares a lot of yummy recipes of all kinds. (Sangria!)
When i see your picture i think we could be friends in real life, your eyes show that you have a good heart and the blog shows that you are nice and that we share interests. If you weigh more or less than me or the next blogger is so so so irrelevant….
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Lucy! I truly feel like I’ve gained so many new friends writing this blog and it all started out trying to share recipes with friends, so I’m glad that comes across. I really feel like the internet helps people to see that they are not alone and we all struggle with the same things. 🙂
Laura Sox says
I have been “fat” most of my life …dieted since I was 14 …tried multiple diets and pills to help me lose weight ….ended up having an eating disorder because of societies have to be thin ….thinking…….fight with my food issues every single day …some people are just rude ….
Aubrey Cota says
Laura I am sending you my positive thoughts in your struggle with food. 🙂
Kathy Hunter says
Hi Aubrey…well your post prompted me to read your blog and I whole heartedly agree with you. Some of my most excellent friends are overweight and I wouldn’t trade one pound of them for all the tea in China as the old saying goes 🙂 life is an adventure and in order to enjoy it to the max you have to love and hug yourself.
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Kathy and I couldn’t agree more! 🙂
Debra D. says
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT UP IF YOU CAN’T SAY ANYTHING NICE THEN DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!! I DON’T THINK YOUR FAT AT ALL.. LOVE YOUR RECIPIES..
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Debra!
Pamela says
Your post brought tears to my eyes and made me so very proud to call you my friend and part of my family. Over the 10+ years we have known each other you have have become part of my family because of your warmth, love and geniune kindness. My sisters all live on the east coast and I don’t get to see them often. You have stepped in and become a sister to me and an Aunt to my daughter. I know that you have helped to guide, inspire and show her that a “real” woman comes in many shapes, sizes, heights and to be proud of who and what you are. You have also helped to teach her that each of us has control of our destiny. It is sad that someone put their feelings on you. I don’t understand our society today where it seems that you can type “say” whatever you want with no thought to what the other person might feel. I always wonder would the person have said this to the other persons face. People are forgetting their manners in their quest to speak freely. And to all of those women like me that are curvy and fluffy – own it! I do my best to eat healthy and I know there are people that consider me fat. Well, so be it. I happen to have medical conditions that make it almost impossible for me to loose weight or exercise. They don’t know me and I am not going to share anything with them because they are not important to me. Those that are – like you Aubrey – are the only ones that matter. My hubby thinks I am beautiful as do my true friends and family – they matter. And you Aubrey are raising 2 well mannered, sweet boys – one of whom says you are his princess. One day there will be 2 lucky ladies that will thank you for raising them as you have. Love you sweetie xoxo
Aubrey Cota says
Thank you so much Pam! I love you and your (my) family and I’m so glad that you are in my life. I’m so proud of you and your daughter and think you two are a couple of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out! 🙂 <3
Melody says
It’s so true!!! I, for one, am not nearly as hard on others as I am on myself. And not just in regards to appearance either! Thanks for showing a bit of yourself – it’s helped me better see my own reflection. 🙂
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Melody! I see my kids doing the same thing in regards to other things. I try to teach them we deserve the same kindness that we give to others. 🙂
Lisa Rentschler says
Thank you for sharing such a personal post with us! Thank you mostly for taking the power away from the uneducated post!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Lisa!
Mary says
I just want to say thank you for writing this. I have been under major stress for a little over a year and have started putting on quite a bit of weight. I’ve been feeling really depressed about it lately (which makes me eat more). Reading this really opened my eyes. Thank you! AND….You are beautiful and you have definitely inspired me!!
Aubrey Cota says
Mary I’ve been there with you and the stress gain. I’m so glad that my post could help. Thanks! 🙂
Kathryn says
Thank you for such a positive post! May I share my favorite quote of all time as you remind me of these very words! “The essence of greatness is the ability to chose personal fulfillment in circumstances where others chose madness”, Dr. D. Dwyer.
Rock on!
Aubrey Cota says
Thank you so much Kathryn! I love that quote, I’m so glad you shared it. 🙂
Rebeca says
Amazing post!! Thank so much for having the courage to open up and reminding us to love ourselves unconditionally as we love others. I aplaude the way you handled that nasty commenter.
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Rebeca! 🙂
Krissy Allori says
Aubrey – you are one of the most wonderful people I’ve come across in my 36 years. I’ve only known you for a short time but I immediately saw what a good kind heart you have and what a great mom you are. You are gorgeous too! The whole package. I’m glad you got a nasty troll because that is the final indicator that you are an internet super star!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Krissy! I’m so glad we met and I’m looking forward to working together (and hanging out) more! 🙂
Kari/SourdoughNative says
Your words are powerful and astounding, but the pictures reflect your true beauty, inside and out!
We all need to hold our head up and embrace ourselves and you are the inspiration for us all.
Bravo!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Kari! 🙂
Jocelyn Thompson says
Wow! So blessed to have popped on here to see your post! Love all the positive remarks! I am new on here but can’t wait to see what else you have for us! Thank you!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks Jocelyn! I’m so glad you found us!
Rachel @{i love} my disorganized life says
I’ve heard this quote before as well, thank you for reminding me of it! I am so hard on myself about the way I look, thank you for posting this, it’s a reminder that I don’t have to be a size 2 to be beautiful. When we first met, my first thought was, “Wow, she’s so pretty. Why can’t I be that pretty?” You’re one of the most beautiful people I know- inside and out. xoxo Annd my post today just happens to be on weight loss lol
Aubrey Cota says
Rachel you are crazy gorgeous! When we first met I remember thinking there is no way that you had teenagers, let alone were a grandma! I also remember thinking how sweet you were and how comfortable you made everyone. It was just so easy to hang out with you. 🙂
Ambar says
Absolutely Love this post. YOU are AMAZING. Weight has NOTHING to do with who you are and that’s the message i took from this post! I’m sure you have touched many peoples life’s with this post! You go girl!
Aubrey Cota says
Thanks so much Ambar!! My weight changes too often to be a measure of who I am. 🙂
Assunção Baptista says
Thank you for your words! <3
Dorothy at Shockingly Delicious says
wonderful post!
Shelly says
Some people are so inconsiderate of others feelings! Ignore them! You are truly amazing! I really enjoyed your story, thanks for sharing it!
Ananthi Mathur says
Body shame for having Bunny Teeth. Do looks really matter in a relationship.People have this habbit to put others down or demotivate them.